...because I was low

There have been times where I have wondered what kind of kick people get out of doing drugs. I mean, I understand that it makes them feel better for a little while - they escape their reality, and can trip for a while. But actually how fun is it to be high? How enjoyable is it to live in a delusion? The only way I feel I can remotely relate to being high (besides being so on life, which is really nice, and not really in the same category as the drug version) is being low, which is NO FUN AT ALL.

When I say I'm low I'm talking about not just feeling low, but really being low, in that my blood glucose is below normal levels and I cannot function properly. I'm writing this right now because an hour ago I got back from my internship and was about to pass out in my living room before my mom realized and stuffed my face with every sweet thing she could find. All the while, she reprimanded me for not taking advantage of all of the facilities provided for people like me (i.e. checking my blood glucose level every couple of hours, eating a snack, etc), as well as conjuring up various scenarios in which I'm found passed out from hypoglycemia on a New York City sidewalk, and a crazy, strange man (half of New York's population, according to my mom) does whatever he wants with me. Scenario 2: In my delusional low-blood sugar state of mind, I cross the street in the middle of on-coming traffic, completely unaware of my imminent death. Astaghfirullah, I'm not writing these to amuse myself - when I think about it, I actually do get scared, because I know that when I am low, these frightening situations are possible.

But at the same time, I am angry with my mother - does she think I enjoy being low? That I do it on purpose? That I like tripping, and later, when I regain normal blood glucose, I can't remember what happened? Honestly, I feel like I know what it must be like to be drunk or high, because when I'm low, everything goes slower, everything's a little fuzzy and blurry. But it's not pleasant at all - inside there's a feeling of nervousness, like the brain just knows this isn't right. Sometimes I begin to see double (Last year, when Chinese calligrapher Hajji Noor came to NYU for an event on his art, I had to abruptly leave because I was seeing four of him, and I thought I was going blind. I devoured a brownie later, but only Allah got me home safely) There's that hollow-pit-in-your-stomach feeling that you sometimes get when you're anxious, and you start repeating yourself, and yelling. As much as I recall of how terrible it feels to be low, what really freaks me out is when people who are around me at the time tell me how strange I was acting. And when I try to remember what they're talking about....I can't! That's what frustrates me most - trying to remember, and only managing to find bits and pieces of what feels like a dream.

When I shudder at these recollections of being low, my mind yells, how do people LIKE doing drugs or drinking until they pass out? How do they tolerate that lack of consciousness and alertness? Today, before my mom realized I was low, I was sitting at the dining table trying to read the mail (junk mail from some random bank selling a credit card, to be exact) and I was CONSCIOUS of being low - I kept trying to read the name of the bank, but couldn't and I thought, Aqsa Aqsa, you can do it, come on, snap out of it - you're not functioning right now...Come on! I felt like...I was drowning, and I wasn't sure if everything would be okay again.

I know this post is rather depressing, but I needed to write my thoughts down about being low - and to anybody out there who reads this who does drugs/drinks voluntarily - just think about what you're doing yourself - and as applicable as my mother's scenarios are to me when I'm low, they are just as applicable to you when you're drunk and high, except that YOU put yourself there. Please, please don't do that to yourself. It is NOT worth it.