Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Je t'aime

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-Pablo Neruda

Monday, June 12, 2006

I can go anywhere...


Just take a look, it's in a book, a reading rainbow! (reading rainbow...)

No, I am not about to write about my extreme love for PBS and its children's programming. Rather, I was just having some thoughts about my latest experiences at PS 3, where I'm an America Reads tutor.

Really, I think tutor is the wrong word to describe my position in Jackie S's 2nd/3rd grade class. A better description of my job would possibly be chaos-manager. There are many words that can be used to describe my class, but chaotic grabs the essence. My cooperating teacher, Jackie S, is a lovable, free-spirited woman who, I think, has everyone's best at heart. However, she has also been teaching for I don't know how many years and is retiring this year. Many times, her attitude towards teaching her children screams "I don't give a crap at this point" because really, all I think she wants is to pack some of her belongings in a suitcase and fly to California to spend the rest of her years child-free.

To say that Jackie is at fault for the hullabaloo that ensues in Room 301 everyday would be unfair. Jackie's class is truly unlike any other class that will ever be. An equal mix of wide-eyed, vulnerable 2nd graders and larger-than-life, loquacious 3rd graders, every child in Jackie's class is unique and contributes his/her personality to the classroom, whether it be insane questions or comments produced by Abby (ex: "sometimes I wish I could fart on my dad's head" yes, I know) to the quiet persona maintained by Burgut. To control them is no easy feat - it would not be difficult for them to reduce a first-year teacher to tears. At the same time, just as I mentioned with Jackie, I don't feel that any of the children in Jackie's class are mean-spirited. They're just a class with....character.

Last Friday, while Jackie was out for the day, I had the most wonderful opportunity to take the class on my own. By 11 am, their lunchtime, I was ready to leave and take a bubblebath or something, but I resorted to walking around Greenwich Village, which I've realized can really provide some peace of mind with its quiet streets filled with brownstones and one-of-a-kind patisseries and cafes. That afternoon, back in Room 301 I decided a nice activity for the children and me (for my well-being, for my sanity) would be a read-aloud. Part of me was nervous, afraid that even a read-aloud would not seduce Jackie's class to settle down and be quiet. But I went for it, hoping upon all hopes that the kids would find the story, The Minpins, by Roald Dahl, sort-of-interesting.

I got off to a rough start. Motormouth Sophia (I know that sounds mean, but this girl is literally a MOTORMOUTH - she is unable to stop herself) complained out loud, "Can't we just draw or something? That's what Jackie let's us do." I responded by saying that I, for one, was excited to try another Roald Dahl book (they had previously read The Magic Finger) and that I knew a lot of the kids also were (I actually did not know that).

And so I started to read. As my friends, people who have met me or listened to my voicemail message know, I like to do voices. I put my full abilities into use as I read to Jackie's class. I read the story like I would want somebody to read the story to me, and as I glanced around at the 26 children seated on the rug before me, I saw so many pairs of eyes staring in wonder and curiosity. My heart smiled. I had them. Of course, I think one or two kids had fallen asleep, so I wasn't a miracle-worker, but, but...the classroom was quiet! When I asked the class what they thought "tantalize" in the story might mean, hands shot up in the air! Fingers wiggled, and when I called on Lokae, who explained that Little Billy would tempt or tantalize the Gruncher, the class payed attention!

I couldn't finish the The Minpins that Friday afternoon, (to a lot of groans, I'm proud to say) but I promised to finish it later. I left that afternoon, exhausted, but feeling good, knowing that as crazy as kids might get, they're always up for a story.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Tanhaiye

Hi.

What is this heart? What is it? This center of the body, this piece of muscle pumping blood, pumping life, into the whole of one's physical being? This center of the body, this piece of soul that either fills with fascination and happiness at what the world has to offer, or turns away in tire, in sadness, saying enough is enough?

Really that's what it is, loneliness, I mean. The heart wishes to retire of everything that is so glittery and consuming.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Ronaa Nahin Hai

Hello again - I took a 3 hour nap today, and therefore cannot sleep even though I'm supposed to be out of the house this morning at 8 am...
dumb.

I was just thinking about stuff, about life. I will not claim to say anything deep, because I'm usually just incapable of that. However, I do think that my opinions come from worthy experiences in my life, and maybe that's okay.

Allah has made us so vulnerable. By vulnerable, I mean that we fall for things in this world, and we become attached to them so much - we feel that our entire existence depends upon them. We lose sight of the fact that this life is not all that matters, that however joyous or madly we feel, our existence here will end, and those that we fall so hard for will not be with us.

It's hard to gulp this down. Actually, it hurts, because there are things in this world that one does not want to let go of, because they seem so perfect and magical and wonderful that why would a person ever want to let go of them? Allah, being Allah, accounts for this. How? I feel that every time we are ever disappointed in our lives, we are beckoned to turn back to Allah. Everything else, everyone else in this world is capable of disappointing us - only Allah never disappoints. In this way, what can sometimes hurt so much is a blessing, a reminder from Allah that, yes, this life is full of wonderful, beautiful, joyful things, but when we expect more than should be expected from them, we are hurting our iman, we are hurting ourselves.

Am I advocating leaving behind love? No way. Love is too amazing to leave behind. But we need to always have our priorities straight - I'm still working on it.

I don't know if this makes any sense - I have a suspicion that I used the word "things" wayyyyy too much here, but please feel free to substitute anything you love besides Allah in its place.

Back and on the

Attack.

Hello, Assalaamualaikum, Hola, Ohio, Shalom...
I lost my old blog, dear friend www.askfreckles.blogspot.com due to my terrible memory. Not only did I forget my password after not posting on my blog for months, I also forgot the email address I registered with blogspot, and could not retrieve my password; sad face.
In light of this, I have a new baby: Aqsis of Evil. I realized that I missed being able to express my random thoughts, and perhaps, nobody cares for these random, often rather idiotic so-called thoughts, but I know that I get a slight kick out of reading them years after I've written them...so please, bear with me.

;) Tanks. Your friend always,

Aqsis